Thursday, December 21, 2006

Porn Hunt 2006: Paradise Lost


I did something very rare. I got utterly lost. To the point I had to call a friend who became a living GPS device. The conversation went like this:

griftdrift: G*DD*MMIT! Why don't these people actually put the state highway numbers on street signs!

friend: Dude, that's just how they do it in Gwinnett County. But you are okay. Just keep driving straight (followed by a string of directions).

griftdrift: Okay. I'm going to trust you. But it's getting dark and this place scares me.

friend: It'll be okay. If we don't hear from you in a couple of hours, we'll send out a search party.


I eventually found the Love Shack by scanning for TV satellite trucks. Apparently, I am not the only one who had trouble finding the porn palace. The Fulton County Police arrived fifteen minutes after I did!

There was a small crowd gathered in the parking lot and I asked a grinning fellow if anything was happening. He responded, "Nope. It's like everybody put their gloves on and then didn't show up for a fight".

Love Shack owner John Cornetta, a rather skeevy looking dude, paced in and out, alternately staring at the news cameras and yelling at his workers to get back to work. Every few minutes, one of said workers trundled out a box to the lurid panel truck pictured above. Where were the police I wondered? The porn is getting away!

Finally a single Fulton County police car circled the parking lot like a lost shark. Eventually he was joined by another along with an unmarked car and a fellow driviing a Fulton County truck. The news camera guys all scurried about trying to find the best location to shoot the confrontation.

The police never said anything although one in a suit showed a piece of paper to Mr. Cornetta who opened the door and yelled "welcome to the Love Shack!" The crowd, reporters, cameramen, cops, degenerate bloggers, all trundled into the store via the "Smoke Shop". Yes, the place also houses a head shop. It was amusing to see uniformed policemen casually pass by the various bongs and hookas and head straight for the porn jams and jellies.

Inside the store everyone just began wandering around looking at things. I believe the legal definition of "adult only" mentioned in the court order is defined as dildos, strap ons, vibrators and other penetrating objects. It has to be because lord knows in my book a "Penis Cake Pan" certainly qualifies as adult. The store has the appearance of a blockbuster run by Ron Jeremy. As the cops began scanning the porn, I witnessed several store employees opening more boxes. It appears Cornetta is trying to get below the court mandated 25% cap on adult-only products by stocking up on a million bottles of lube.

I soon became bored and walked back outside. Standing nearby were members of the Johns Creek community. They were just as puzzled as the rest of us as to how the cops were going to determine what constitutes 25%. Thoughts ranged from inventory to sales receipts to one fellow mumbling something about volume. A kid asked why they didn't just go in the obviously dildo crammed panel truck. Why indeed, young man, why indeed.

At one point a cameraman came rushing out of the store. Everyone tensed in anticipation but he was just getting a new battery. I asked him if anything was going on in there and he replied, " Nope, they are just walking around".

At this point, it was apparent nothing was going to happen in the near future and with rain pelting my head, I gave up and drove home.

A final thought. Many may have the thought in their head that the store is some lurid place screaming with large neon versions of naked women. Nothing could be further from the truth. As I already described, it's difficult to find. You cannot see it from the main road. Once you actually make it to the parking lot, it is a plain brick building with only a small banner on which is printed the stores web address. If you didn't know it was there, you would think it was one of any other small office buildings that cover the suburbs like warts on a toad.

Also, as you see in the forthcoming pictures, the Johns Creek people apparently have no problem with the massive liquor store right next door.

6 comments:

Sara said...

But the important question: did ya buy anything?

griftdrift said...

Yes and I'm wearing it right now.

Audacity said...

Ha! God people can be so ridiculous.

Sara said...

"naked, wearing only a cock ring..."

(I'm going to have to guess T-shirt.)

Agent CatFishStix said...

"naked, wearing only a cock ring..."


My eyes, my EYES ... Oh wait, are you sure he's wearing one? How can you tell? ( :^D BwAh, hA, Ha, ha, ha *snort* ... hee, heee (wipes away tear) *sniff* ahhh

Nikki said...

Hey man, that's a good liquor store. They gots a good selection of excellent beers, I say.

A note, you can't see it from the road because they're not finished with it yet. When they are, I'm sure that the DC Beverage (which is ginormous) and Ye Olde Lurve Shackke will be visible from the road.

Not that I care. Just pointing it out. This whole thing is utterly stupid anyway.