The Best Of The Drifts - Elizabeth Edwards and Cancer

Originally published March 23, 2007

It's one of those of driving off a cliff moments. It's a statement you never expect so you never plan. Birth, marriage and even death carry stock responses stored in the brain for years in expectation they will one day be used. But even the most careful planner spends no time pondering what to say when a loved one tells you they have cancer.

It can come in the morning. It can come in the middle of the day. It can come at night. With no doubt, it will come when you are performing some mundane task which will suddenly have no significance. It can even come as you search for a particular restaurant that will satisfy a sudden craving for a particular type of pizza. Suddenly, the phone rings and you are hit with the most unexpected of utterances. Do you say good luck? Do you ask what you can do? Do you tamp down the sudden dread in order to say everything will be okay? If you are driving, do you pull to the side of the road? Do you stay strong because the person needs the support or do you simply begin to sob? As the surface areas of the brain struggle for the appropriate reaction, deep within, the internal voice whispers that no matter what you say, life has changed irrevocably.

Thoughts of a certain need for a specific type of pizza are immediately deleted from the queue and the most basic portions of the lizard brain sieze control of the body forcing it to attend to the need for sustenanace and nothing more. You find yourself robotically pulling into a drive through to order a pre-packaged meal of questionable value but infinite ease. The body knows food is a necessity but at this particular moment no longer a luxury to enjoy. It may have the taste of the cardboard of its packaging but it moves the body forward while the brain catches up.

Eventually, most people come around to one universal response. I'll be there as soon as I can.

Despite the cameras, the press gaggle, the harsh lights, the sputteringly inconsistent microphones, despite the differences in station of life, I was there with John and Elizabeth Edwards yesterday as they announced her cancer has returned. It is not hard for me to imagine the previous 24 hours. People often morbidly joke about the stages of grief but few understand cancer is the grief that arrives too early. There is despair. There is hope. There is the clinical analysis. There is the need to know exactly what is happening. There is the need to know exactly what is going to happen. Each on their own find the small corner of mind containing the mechanism of self-defense that allows the life to go on even when life seems impossible.

In the end all find hope. Even if it is the smallest whisper, we all put on the "brave face" and move forward. We face our family. We face our friends. In the case of public figures, we face the unwavering stare of the press.

I do not pray, but I do believe all souls are connected in ways we may never understand. Time and space hold no bounds to the power of human need.

I was not in Chapel Hill yesterday, but I was with John and Elizabeth Edwards.

Saturday Stupids

Pardon me, friend, but could you spare a stupid?

The Best Of The Drifts - Media Euthanasia

Originally Published March 18, 2007

Media Euthanasia

Reporting from PodCamp Atlanta

A difficult question. If an animal is wounded do you attempt to assist it or do you shoot it? Depending on region, background and culture, you may receive two equally passionate and two equally valid answers. Me? I would certainly attend a wounded animal yet the decision to put it out its misery would be quick and with no regret.

In my city of Atlanta and in many other cities across the land, we are witnessing the pained throes of animals on the edge of extinction. Television stations pay huge sums of money to talking hair-dos and nobody tunes in. Print media continues to huddle in the smallest corner of the online world, wringing ink stained hands over staggering drops in circulation. Money pours forth from the wounds of a thousand cuts. Some self-inflicted. Some not.

The situation presents a tortured dichotomy for "new media" warriors. The easy response is to engage in a form of schadenfreude reveling in glee at the misery of the dinosaurs. Yet, though many will vehemently deny the alternate emotion, the vanguard of this new culture desires acceptance by the brick and mortar establishment. The one chit old media clings to viciously is legitimacy. Like children free in the world for the first time, bloggers, vloggers and podcasters simultaneously take a rebellious stance while craving the parent's acceptance of their position as an equal.

At Podcamp Atlanta, Creative Loafing MIS Manager Murray Grevious may have revealed how wide the rift has grown and how little hope there is to save the dying beasts. He stated matter of factly that collaboration between traditional print and new media can never happen due to the constraints of the editorial process. In his opinion, the newsroom simply will not give up control of the filtration and vetting system to become more immediate, reactive and interactive.

It's a fair point and knotty problem. Legitimacy is garnered from the seeds of trust. Editorial control remains the greatest advantage and most onerous burden of the traditional media. Too many in the new media, bloggers in particular, practice shotgun methods of reporting where every bit of a story is thrown against the wall to see what sticks. They peddle in rumor, innuendo and would not admit the concept of retraction or correction exists. Traditional editorial process prevents most of these sins although a few do get through. When the process breaks down, most notably in the Jayson Blair saga, the reaction is instant and harsh.

The trade off for this comfort of accuracy is an insular world with little or no connection to the audience. A world where both a reporter and a blogger can spend three hours in a federal appeals court yet the reporter is limited to a few paragraphs on page three of the metro section while the blogger is free to write a feature length piece. A world where a story garnering national attention is ignored to discuss water buffalo. A world where a Sunday feature deals with such "cutting edge" technology as text messaging.

The question has to be asked, if a company as agile and forward thinking as Creative Loafing (please note none of the above linked stories were published by the Loaf) believes it cannot adjust to the new world, is there any hope at all for the true behemoths? I believe the answer is probably not. The only conclusion that can be reached is it is time to stop assisting the wounded animals and instead fetch the shotgun.

Photo courtesy of Mike Schinkel

The Best Of The Drifts - Peckerwoods

Originally Published March 16, 2007

Peckerwoods

Capt. Elijah Tillman. Army of Northern Virginia, 1862-1863. Wounded at Antietam. Georgia Militia Cavalry, 1863-1865. He was also my great-great-great-great-grandfather.

There. Now that the need to justify my credentials is out of the way, let the hate begin.

How should an ignorant stumpjumper respond to African American leaders calling for the state to apologize for slavery? Propose naming an entire month "Confederate Heritage Month". For those of you who don't dabble in good ol' fashioned southern racial politics, it's also a subtle swipe at February's "Black History Month". Don't believe me? Ask any of these "heritage" pukes what they think about Black History Month and you will get a response along the lines of "why do they get a special month and we git nuthin!"

Here's the bottom line. You lost. Not once but twice.

The first loss should be familiar. In a whirlwind of blood, over 500,000 Americans lost their lives. Entire regions were scourged for generations. The country penanced its sin of human bondage in a crucible of lead and fire.

The second loss is hardly reported. Despite the lingering taint of the conflict spawning lynchings and Jim Crow, both sides generally recognized the bravery of the individual combatants. Then, in the tumultuous back rooms of the 50s, not discussed in the Leave It To Beaver fantasyland of some, things changed.

Legislatures began adding the Confederate battle flag to state banners. "Heritage" groups began concerning themselves less with preserving cemeteries and battlefields and began meddling in racial politics. Organizations like the Sons of Confederate Veterans became hideouts for thinly veiled night riders who believed white sheets served purposes other than covering beds.

As the noted southern historian Shelby Foote once commented regarding his resigning from the Sons, "we had an opportunity to fight for the symbols of our past. The symbols we honor. But instead we stood by and did nothing as people filled with hate stole our most precious items. They no longer belong to us."

I do honor my ancestor. Although the prism of modern thinking allows me to embrace the guilt that he was definitely wrong, there is a part of me which understands his need to sacrifice for what he believed was right. A thousand miles from his south Georgia home, in the rolling hills of Maryland, he shed blood for that belief. Despite the sin of this cause, the giving should still be honored.

However, due to the tacit compliance of a prior generation of the "good people of the south" in allowing the race peddlers to overwhelm all else, a complicity continued by peckerwoods like Sen. Jeff Mullis, the honor seems distant and all I am left with is the taint.

The Best Of The Drifts - Valentines Day 2007

Originally Published February 14, 2007

Happy Valentines Day, Screw You

You stepped on my ass

You're breaking my glasses too

You won't drive my car, might be a star

I've had enough of you

There no one to blame, so f*ck you

Be my Valentine, Rep. Steve Davis. It warms the cockles of my heart to know there are still people in the world who believe the only image of family is Leave It To Beaver. Love obviously runs deep in your household and neighborhood where the "wifes" handle the chilluns, the gays keep their love that shall not be named in the closet and poor people are limited to cheery hobos who ride the rails and dream of the big rock candy mountain. Be my Valentine Rep. Davis, screw you.

Be my Valentine, John McCain. Now not only do you vaguely look like a Pander bear but you actually act like one. Your love holds no bounds as your give a big ol' expedient bear hug to religious nuts like Jerry Falwell and Jonathan Wells. My blood warms at the sight of brave politicians who will blatantly take the easy road to power. In an age of cowardly leaders chasing publicity whoredom by going against the grain, you are the epitome of the Hemingway hero, quietly showing true leadership by demonstrating good ol' fashioned pandering as the new radical. Be my Valentine Sen. McCain, screw you.

Be my Valentine, Glenn Reynolds. When I first read the Libertarian Party platform regarding war back in 1992, I was puzzled by its stance of defensive war only. My heart remained cold for over a decade until you and other "libertarians" explained it's a new world and we didn't really mean all that about defensive war. Pre-emptive war is the new libertarianism! Many called you stealth Republicans but you remained strong in your conviction to support President Bush even as the Iraq venture spiraled into doom. And when people accused you of being Republican shills, you quickly responded nuh-uh, I'm a libertarian! It makes me think of Valentine's Day back in elementary school when little boys were asked if they liked certain girls and they responded, nuh-uh, girls are icky! Be my Valentine Glen Reynolds, screw you.

Be my Valentine, Jim Wooten. Your proclivity to pass along rumors and straight out lies shows you are truly one of the libertine "new media" lotharios. You understand that fact checking, editorial filters and any possible validity of dissent are as stale as a 20 year old "Be Mine" candy heart. The love practically spews forth daily as you call out the unpatriotic, the anti-capitalist and all those dirty, smelly hippies who dare associate themselves with the Democratic Party. With so much affection pouring out of the Thinking Right column, it's surprising the AJC even needs Dear Abby! Be my Valentine Jim, screw you.

Be my Valentine, Christopher Horner. I was impressed with your appearance last night on The Daily Show. I was astounded at the quality of your jacket. I wonder if you have to shop at a special store to find pockets so big they can hold all that Exxon money. Your denial of global warming was not enough to cool the heat in my heart for your glib stories of attacking icebergs and thieving socialists. Since you are a lawyer, I immediately call to mind creationist Phillip Johnson who is also a lawyer that plays a scientist on tv. Then again, your sly manner and coy glances mostly reminded my of nutjob Kent Hovind. Be my Valentine Chris, screw you.

More Valentines to come as the love fills my heart. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

The Best Of The Drifts - The First Hate

Originally published January 25, 2007

In Which I Hate On Everyone

I have a terrible temper. I was talking with a friend about it just the other day. She also has a terrible temper. We both laughed as we discussed having to consciously control our urges to fly off the handle. The one thing we didn't talk about is the slow burn. You sort of snicker at a comment. Then you think about it later. Pretty soon the thought consumes all others. You only suffer the final blow up if the situation which lit the fuse continues.

When the Milton County / Vincent Fort kerfluffle began, I approached it with cold logic attempting to bypass the racial rhetoric to address what I believe to be the actual problem. I didn't know at the time but the fuse was lit. Now I'm madder than a baby with a loaded diaper. I pretty much want to drag all the combatants into a room and give everyone a swift kick in the ass.

So here we go...

To the Atlanta Legislative Caucus, Fulton County Commission, Atlanta City Council, etal:

Do you ever step back and ask yourself if what you are doing is actually serving the people? I would love to ask about serving the region, but hell let's start with the small steps. It is your history of not showing no willingness to come to the table that led to the formation of the city of Sandy Springs. We all now reap the fruit from that poison tree. Your mule headed intransigence has led every separatists group in the metro area to believe brinksmanship is the only tactic in discussing resource and revenue issues. Constituents questioning your wisdom on appropriating their tax dollars is not inherently racist. Even when the constituents are, God forbid, white. Blood on the walls? A chair race that could throw us back to the dark ages of fire hoses and police dogs? There is a proud history of leadership in this city, this county, this region. Somehow that leadership has lost its way in the past ten years. The current leaders better find that way again or someone will come along and show them the way out the door.

To North Fulton, Cobb, Gwinnett and all the other enclaves outside downtown:

Your whine is showing with your cheese. You bitch about lack of services and high taxes. Well, I have visited your shangra-la of the ways thing should be. What I didn't see were houses burning to the foundation because all the fire trucks are in south Fulton. What I didn't see was little old ladies dying in the gutter because all the defibrillators are in south Fulton. What I did see were plenty of sidewalks and fairly good roads (adding more lanes as we speak). What I did see was uncontrolled sprawl with strip malls devouring the remaining trees. What I did see were new cities, these havens of good service, immediately deciding to waste money trying to shut down porn kings and forcing businesses in good standing to reapply for licenses via new onerous bureaucratic processes.

It is your history, stretching from Cobb County's proposal to require residence identification before boarding the county transit system to Gwinnett County's stupid refusal to allow MARTA access while the DOT continues to slap down new lanes on I-85, which created the black eyes you now suffer. You want to enjoy all the benefits of Atlanta, from Grady's trauma center where your 16 year old is treated after wrapping the new SUV around a tree to Chastain where you can chatter your way through quiet acoustic melodies, but God knows don't actually associate yourself with being Atlanta. The only people in this world who still believe you can have all the chocolate without the bellyache are three year olds. Grow up.

To the national media, blogs, etal:

You don't know us. You think you do but you don't. Here's some things to help you. While adults were throwing rocks at children in Boston, Atlanta and surrounding counties were quietly using busing and minority to majority programs to peacefully integrate schools. While African-Americans in such citadels of enlightenment as Detroit continue to try to push a single toe into the pool of economic growth, Atlanta has one of the fastest growing African-American middle classes in the country. Yet, you will take the easy way out by painting us as a bunch of gun-totin', Confederate flag wavin', banjo pickin' stump jumpers who probably need another good burning by General Sherman. My grandma had a saying. Sweep around your own stoop before spitting snuff on someone else's. Well, y'all out there in the "cultured" part of the world just keep on with your preaching. My stoop is swept and my mouth is full of chaw.

2007 and we still have to go through this crap. Shame on us all.

The Best Of The Drifts - At The Forsyth County March

Originally published January 27, 2007

20 Years Ago

I don't remember where I got on the bus but I do remember getting on the bus. There were thousands of us. There were hundreds of buses. So many people I had to stand. Seats were given to the elders. I remember thinking at the time it was no big deal as we were only travelling a scant 40 miles. Standing for such a short time seemed a small sacrifice.

I remember the week before - watching the news. As a Georgian, I was horrified by the images of rocks and bottles being tossed at peaceful protesters. I remember thinking this could not be happening in my state. Not now. Growing up in a small south Georgia town, I was familiar with racism. Had witnessed it first hand. I remember hearing the stories from two decades earlier of gangs of men armed with rifles and shotguns. But this should be different. This was Atlanta. This was my new city. One filled with enlightenment, culture and understanding. Even though the images on my television were coming from just outside Atlanta, it seemed too close. Too real.

I remember the girl I was dating at the time. She was angry at first. Then she cried. She did not want me to go. She had seen the images. She had seen the young man dressed in a jean jacket and Confederate flag t-shirt with hate in his eyes. She was also from a small south Georgia town and knew the potential consequences. She begged, she screamed and she cried.

On the bus, I remember we were a strange melange. I stood next to a man much larger than me. A friendly guy with a New York accent. He had just moved to the area and like myself had been shocked by the images on the news. A transient man in a transient city confronted with images that should have never surfaced again.

Spread among us, usually sitting in seats, were the elders. They had marched when marching truly mattered. They shared stories. They sang songs. They led us in "We Shall Overcome", "I Shall Not Be Moved" and"Blowing In The Wind". They taught me songs most 18-year olds had never heard.

The ride was long. Much longer than any of us anticipated. The caravan of buses and vans stretched for miles. Back then Georgia 400 was still a rural highway, not the suburban autobahn it is today. The buses lurched and stopped, lurched and stopped. My new friend and I swayed back and forth, grasping the hand rails.

I remember snow on the ground. It had snowed a few days prior and the remnants still dotted the shoulders and the woods. Eventually people began leaving the buses and dashing for the woods. Relief being the only remaining sliver of thought in their mind. Next to me, my new friend chuckled and muttered, "Don't eat the yellow snow".

I remember arriving on the outskirts of Cumming. It was all too familiar. A few convenience stores. A fast food restaurant. And all too unfamiliar. For the first time, the people in Klan robes were not pictures in books. They were standing on the side of the road. Staring at us. Staring at me.

As we assembled I thought about the rumors we had all heard. The gun stores had been cleaned out. The liquor stores had been cleaned out. The FBI had snipers in the woods. I remember my idealism of the night before seeping away in the reality of seeing men and women and children standing behind a wall of National Guard. Men and women and children with hate in their eyes.

I remember a lone girl standing on the side of the road. She wore Klan robes but mostly I remember her shoes. Bright, white, new Reeboks. We all saw her. She could not have been more than 15 years old. We would later nervously laugh and call her "white frocks and Reeboks".

The organizers lined us up. We were instructed to lock arms. We were told to always look forward. We were told to never, ever respond. No matter what we heard, we were never to engage those with wont to turn non-violence to violence. I remember locking arms with my new friend from New York and moving forward.

I remember we never came close to the Cumming city square. We were simply too many. At one point, we topped a hill and I could see all those before us. I was near the back and had a clear view of almost everyone. Thousands of people. A large undulating mass of people, locked arm in arm, singing and chanting, stretching to the crown of the next hill and then disappearing.

We never heard the speeches. They were too far ahead. I remember being able to see the top of the court house and imagining John Lewis standing somewhere up there in the distance. Speaking of evils he had seen and evils that still lived.

Soon after we returned to the buses. Soon the buses returned to Georgia 400. Soon the buses returned to Atlanta. Soon I returned to campus.

I remember calling the girl I was seeing at the time and only hearing an answering machine. I remember her terrible temper. I remember later that night when she knocked on my door. We embraced and we both cried together.

Photo courtesy of the Atlanta Journal Constitution / Steve Deal

The Best Of The Drifts - The Porn King Goes To Court

Originally published 1-3-07

The Porn Wars: Love Shack Gets Little Love

It's all about paint. Attorneys for both Love Shack owner John Cornetta and Fulton County plumbed the depths of analogy in an effort to clarify District Court Judge James Thrash 12-20-06 contempt order. Analogies were necessary due to the wording of the order which commanded the Love Shack reduce its adult inventory to less than a "significant amount".

The crux of all arguments lay in those peculiar words.

Fulton County Attorney Steve Rosenberg stated that the Love Shack had not complied with the order and offered as evidence The Love Shacks own affidavit which stated the store still contained 2312 adult DVDs and 1647 sex toys. He compared this to his time in criminal prosecution where a police report stated a residence had a significant amount of drugs. For example, a significant amount could be "40 hits of crack". The argument The Love Shack put forward in its brief is the inventory had been reduced by a "significant portion" not a "significant amount". He pointed out Judge Thrash had not used this term and that in context, as with the crack in the drug arrest, a significant amount still existed.

Mr. Rosenberg stated, "It's as if you ordered them to paint a house black and they painted it deep charcoal gray and then we disagreed if it was black. In this case they painted the house pink".

Mr. Cornetta's attorney Louis Sirkin countered that if the judge had ordered his client to paint something a deep red this is what would have been done. However it is as if the judge ordered something painted red and now both sides were arguing if it is truly red. He argued that his client had made a good faith effort to comply with a vague court order. As evidence he presented county and city ordinances that ranged from the City of Atlanta requiring less than 25% of floor sales to Warner Robins requiring less than 50% of sales in a 90 day rolling period. Mr. Sirkin stated his client had chosen what he felt was the most restrictive parameters and attempted to comply.

In the end, Judge Thrash was not moved. Apparently, he saw pink where The Love Shack attorneys saw gray. He stated in his ruling that he had deliberately used the term "significant amount" in order to prevent Mr. Cornetta from manipulating his inventory in an effort to comply. He went on to say he could not see how "anybody would see compliance" given the amount of adult material remaining. He specified his intent was number of items, not percentage or portion.

He ruled The Love Shack in contempt and ordered compliance by 3:00pm tomorrow. The Love Shack could comply by reducing its inventory under a "significant amount" or closing its doors. Until that time the business would be fined $1000 per day retroactively to 12-21-06 . He also stated his ruling would terminate at 12:01am on 1-5-07 at which point Johns Creek would have jurisdiction. He added the ruling and fine would be suspended if The Love Shack complied by the deadline.

Mr. Sirkin asked for clarification of "significant amount" and Judge Thrash replied "anything more than a few".

Fulton Attorney Rosenberg claimed victory although his side did not reach the goal of closure. He concluded the ruling to mean The Love Shack was operating without a license. This would prevent any kind of "grandfathering" once Johns Creek ordinances began enforcement.

On 1-2-07, Johns Creek passed new ordinances including a highly restrictive adult ordinance that includes any business to wait 20 days for approval. The new ordinance goes into effect at 12:01am, 1-5-07.

Not surprisingly, Mr. Cornetta also claimed victory. He stated he was still in business and not in jail. When asked about the fine, Mr. Cornetta stated he was "ready to pay out of my pocket right now". When confronted about the amount of the fine which would have exceeded $10,000, Mr. Cornetta pulled out a roll of $100 bills and a black American Express card. He explained that a person had to "spend $300,000 a year" just to maintain such an item. He said $13,000 did not bother him as he had spent more on his wife on New Year's Eve. He was quick to clarify he did not want to make light of the money and his real purpose in this was to fight for what is right. He also claimed to have previously turned down a deal from the Fulton D.A. stating "let me go to jail".

Cornetta also plans to increase his inventory. Now that he is in contempt and with no hard limit on his inventory, his immediate plans are to increase inventory back to 25%. However, he stated he and his attorneys are discussing multiple strategies.

For now, The Love Shack remains open. D.A Rosenberg was unclear if Fulton County will attempt another closure tomorrow at 3:00pm but indicated something would happen. In the meantime, Johns Creek's new ordinance goes into effect in less than 30 hours. When asked if this new chapter in the saga would send everything back to square one, Rosenberg shrugged and smiled.

As for Cornetta, he says, "If Johns Creek comes an arrests me, where are they going to put me? (newly elected Johns Creek Mayor) Mike Bodker's apartment?"

Gonzo Lawmakers - Day 30

A daily recap of the Georgia Public Broadcasting show "Lawmakers". The show airs weekdays at 7:00pm with a replay at 5:30am the following weekday.

Day 30

*Originally aired on March 30.

* Crossover day! For the uninitiated, this is the last day a bill can pass one of the chambers and survive. It's a big day and a long night.

* The requisite live shot of the ongoing sausage making.

* Susan is live at Hogwarts! The hospital tax passed the House. Goes to the Senate now.

* Scowly House Clerks! The streak continues! They are extra scowly because they know the incessant drivel will not cease spewing for hours.

* Hot lobbyist walking in the background. Thought they got rid of all of those.

*And on cue, Nwandi talks about Glen Richardson and ethics reform.

* Valarie at Hogwarts talking about the House's ethics bill. They changed the name from the Ethics Commission to something about twelve words long. More evidence of Republicans believing in small government.

* Dubose talking about the all the Democrat amendments being shot down. He's talking about being shut out of the process. The irony meter just broke.

* House passed a bunch of fee increases. How many? Susan says 1800! Perhaps we have a few too many fees.

* Democrats railing against tax increases. Sky is yellow and the sun is blue.

* Seriously. 1800 fees. And they even found time to add a few more!

* I hope tonight's flashback features Denmark Groover climbing over the rail to keep the House clock from striking midnight.

* Sen Judson Hill is back with another weird healthcare bill. He's trying to do a Constitutional end around by requiring state agencies to report any new requirements to the General Assembly before they can be implemented. Surely this can't be Constitutional.

* Democrat Robert Brown is preachin'. "I wonder why President Obama is such a saint in the classroom and a sinner in the hospital room".

* Austin Scott, running for Governor and usually a reasonable guy, has a resolution requiring the Attorney General to file suit against federal healthcare. He's a really good guy, but he gets one of the crazy resolution hairs in an uncomfortable place every session.

* This gives Dubose Porter, also running for Governor, a chance to pounce again.

* Abortion bill in the Senate! This is the one where its illegal for a doctor to perform the operation if he or she has knowledge the woman was coerced. Or if its based on gender or race. You've heard all these arguments before. Safe. Rare. Costly lawsuits. Privacy. It passed.

* Chip Rogers says clearly coercion should be outlawed. Question. How are they defining coercion? And how the hell do you enforce this? Don't the cops already have enough to do?

* Larry O'Neal wants tax reform. So do I. But do you really think a state with 1800 fees is serious about tax reform?

* Steve Thompson is nattering on again. They are arguing over sales tax on internet sales. The Republicans are trying to offer a carrot of some sort to get them to voluntarily collect the tax. Um, okay.

* Susan has to issue a correction about her report about naming of parks. Apparently, private companies don't get to name parks. And I was looking forward to Amia-Coca-cola State Part.

* Project Tom Crawford! Lord have mercy, I didn't think it was possible to combine that many earth tones. He kind of looks like a mud puddle on a dirt road.

* Senate passed a needs based version of the HOPE grant. Of course, there's no funding for this good deed.

* Valarie again. With transportation as usual. It's the smack the DOT board bill. It allows a way to recall DOT board members. And here's Steve Thompson again. He's like a moth to a bug zapper.

* I see a blogger who I shall not name in the background of the shot.

* We're almost at 30 minutes and no flashback. There may be no time for such fancies on crossover day.

* Ricky Bevington and her BOOK OF DOOM! Beach High School in Savannah fired practically every teacher on the campus. And there's Nwandi's hand giving the classic hurry the hell up sign. Ricky flies through some mess about Thurbert Baker.

* Final shot is of the live House Session and Scowly Red is gazing over her domain with lazer eyes. What a way to end the week. Things will calm down again for a while, so for now, that's a wrap!

Gonzo Lawmakers - Day 29

A daily recap of the Georgia Public Broadcasting show "Lawmakers". The show airs weekdays at 7:00pm with a replay at 5:30am the following weekday.

Day 29

*Originally broadcast on March 24th. Crossover day approaches!

* We start with live shots of both chambers. They always work late as crossover day approaches

* The Guv is gittin' hisself a personal prosecutor to sue over Federal healthcare since AG Baker said he wouldn't do it.

* First time we've seen Thurbert and his "hair" this session. Repeating that the thing is not viable and costly.

* Speaker Ralston has some eager young aide behind furiously nodding as he says we're going to pursue other options.

* Guv mouthpiece Bert Brantley is wearing a tie! I was beginning to wonder if he owned one. He claims the suit won't cost the state anything as lawyers have volunteered to work for free.

* Dubose Porter slamming the Guv for trying to distract from all the problems. Need more thunder, Dubose.

* House Appropriations passed the hospital tax. This is the big issue of the day so we have Valarie at Hogwarts. And she's got an anonymous document! Juicy! Apparently it's the secret aggreement between the healtchcare lobbies and the General Assembly. No one would go on record however. Publishing the doc is an interesting ethical choice. Feel free to discuss.

* Gun bill passed the Senate. If it passes the House we can tote in bars, universities and the front part of the airport. City of Atlanta is challenging these types of laws in court. Mitch Seabaugh is explaining that if we let every municipality pass their own carry laws, we'd have chaos. He's right.

* Renee Unterman just said "it came to our acknowledgement". Poor thing must be tired. She was talking about multi-agency intergration of mental health services.

* Senate tabled the bill to allow us to buy health insurance from providers in other states. Tabling this close to crossover day means it's completely doomed.

* Steve Thompson (D-Land Of Never Changing Hair) is using the bill to take thinly veiled shots at Oxendine.

* Seatbelts in trucks! It passed the Senate for the fourth straight year. Sen. Don Thomas (R-Lovable Ol' Kook) thinks having a new Speaker will make a difference this time. He's just precious.

* Earnest Dan Weber wants to expand local school boards ability to create charter schools.

* Scowling House Clerks! The streak continues!

* Susan got a little flustered because she couldn't remember Rep. Roger Lane''s name. Not surprised. He's ain't one of the usual camera hogs. He wants to adjust some fees upward. And just the whiff of a tax increase leads it to the table of doom.

* Senate voted to increase the cap on the "rainy day" fund. Doesn't really matter at the moment since there practically ain't no "rainy day" fund.

* Sen. Jack Hill nearly choked talking about how the stimulating funds helped.

* Leadership series - Republican Whip Ed Lindsey. And of course, he's talking about the budget. Bottom line - we ain't got no money. He's okay with the hospital tax. How very Democrat of him! He giggled a little at the mention of the Guv strong arming the hospitals. They are all punchy.

* Shout out to my hometown of Moultrie! I smell a Hwy 133 deal.

* Lawmakers Flashback! Public initiatives, a California style thang, is being discussed in the Senate. And there's Steve Thompson. With the same hair. I swear. And there's the Guv! When he was the Senate Majority Leader and a Democrat. More importantly - he has hair! Lots of wavy hair. And there's Eric Johnson - also with hair! They were all so young and full of vinegar.

* Adam Bridges has some story about water and there's Earnest Dan Weber again. He's so tall, he's almost level with Casey even though he's three feet below.

* Ricky Bevington and her BOOK OF DOOM! Wait! Good news! A new biomass plant is opening in Waycross. Georgia Power ain't spending any more money upgrading its two oldest plants. It wants to see what the EPA will do. No tasers for School Resource Officers in Glynn County. They already carry handguns and pepper spray!

* We won't be back until March 26th. Crossover day! Until then, that's a wrap!

Daily Funny

Fox 5 recently announced a new 4:30am (rub your eyes, that's A.M.) newscast and Doug Richards at Live Apartment Fire came up with a hilarious Top Ten explaining why this idea is just faboo.

6. Legions of meth addicts in North Georgia need to know the five-day forecast before they go to bed

Read the whole thing here.

Can You Identify This Sign?

Can you identify the above traffic sign?

Hey, Sen. Jack Murphy. There's a reason our traffic signs come in so many wonderful shapes and colors. There's also a reason we test based on those shapes and colors.

Safety issue, my hind end. Pandering at its finest. As Tyler correctly notes, with the beast called the budget lurking in the bushes, we are wasting time with this nonsense. Shame.

Gonzo Lawmakers - Day 28

A daily recap of the Georgia Public Broadcasting show "Lawmakers". The show airs weekdays at 7:00pm with a replay at 5:30am the following weekday.

Day 28

* So far behind. But quitting is not an option.

* This episode is from 3-22. So let's do the time warp again.

* Susan's back! YAY!

* The House fails to pass the We Don't Want The Healthcare Thingie. It has to be a Constitutional Amendment and that means they need a few Democrats. We all know how this plays out.

* Scowling House clerks! The streak continues. They are extra scowly today.

* Calvin Smyre is in full bore preacher mode. "We got too much to do". "He actually slapped the lectern. I'm having a bad flashback to the Freewill Baptist Church of my youth.

* The Senate got in the act, too. Via their morning press conference. They are taking the money angle. In their own sober Senate way.

* The Beast Tape Machine is threatening to devour the piece. Even the demon possessed technology is sick of this argument.

* Bed Tax time. The Guv played hard and the hospital lobby crumpled. Susan is talking non-stop which means the tape machine is not cooperating again.

* Sen. Preston Smith is talking about how we need to do something with the providers of Medicaid. It's as if they want to talk about anything but the beast that lurks on the horizon - the budget.

* Pause for a moment. Seriously, the poor Lawmakers folks are covering unanimous bills on Day 28. Usually by this time we have some bonfire of controversy. But not this year. Everyone is avoiding anything heinous because they know the monetary beast lurks in the bushes. God bless the poor GPB folks. They do their best to make cardboard taste like fine cheese.

* Valarie at Hogwarts. Oh wait. She's not. It's just her voice over a tape. (There's foreshadowing here, but I can't talk about it now). The Republicans are at it again. Healthcare ain't enough, so they are trying to pass some probably unconstitutional thing to delay Cap and Trade. They even put a provision in demanding the Attorney General to sue if the Feds attempt to enforce it.

* Slow Poke Bill. There's a metaphor here somewhere. Or a homily. In a better writer's hand, there would be a skewering. In this lesser writer's hands, I prefer to continue to analyze the scowls of the House Clerks. They ain't happy.

* And to complete the anti-Fed trifecta, the Senate wants to compel unions to only use a secret ballot. Vincent Fort (D-Land of a Thousand Rants) is pointedly asking why the Republicans want to interfere with the actions of private business. Since we require a Constitutional Amendment, just like the others, the thing dies. What a useless minuet they dance.

* Some technical stuff about courts and contracts. Fascinating. Stick with me readers. We're going to get to crossover day soon. That's when the fireworks kind of fly. And that, my friends, is the lamest tease ever.

* Sen. David Shafer! He has been awfully quiet this session. He's talking about multi-year contracts for the DOT. Snooze.

* They want to codify some commission. The scowl of the clerks are no longer as fierce. Even they are defeated by the malaise of the day.

* They've moved over to the Supreme Court. The Robes took apart another part of the tort reform. This has upset Sen. Preston Smith (R-Claims To Know The Constitution). Republicans - for free markets, except when they're not.

* The Executive Director of Georgia Watch, a consumer advocate group, is Danny Orrock. Sen. Nan Orrock's son? Given the whole hippie groove, I'm guessin he's some relation.

* Preston Smith says he's read the opinion and believes it would require a Constitutional Amendment. Too bad the Chair of the Senate Judiciary couldn't figure that out TWO YEARS AGO. When they had a chance to actually pass it in that manner. Oh right. They didn't have the votes so they chose to play politics instead.

* Sen. David Adelman's last visit to the Senate well. He's just been confirmed as Ambassador to Singapore. Want to know how much I like Sen. Reasonable? Read this.

* More contractor mess. But this one involves illegal aliens, errr excuse me, undocumented workers. The DOL supports the bill but points out they ain't got no money to enfore it. Republicans don't seem to care.

* Oh, Adam Bridges. Young'un. Don't improvise. Nobody likes. God help me, I'm in a dreadful state. Now, I'm picking on the kids.

* Lawmakers Flashback! Oh it's the one they couldn't show the other night because of the demon tape machine. Speaker Murphy gittin it on with Earl Earhart. Speaker Murphy ruled his amendment not germane. The Speaker is saying even a first year law student should understand the difference between an excise tax and sales tax. SNAP! He's verbally smacking Earhart all around the chamber.

* Sen. Preston Smith again. He's the star of this very special episode of Lawmakers. He wants to use reserve funds, if available, to keep teachers from being furloughed. A Republican wanting to help teachers? Blow me down, I smell a little politicking.

* Ricky Bevington and her BOOK OF DOOM! The Supreme Court unanimously overturned the cap on damages. Nathan Deal resigns. Because he wants to run for governor. No mention of his scrap yard boondoogle. A spill on the Savannah River! That's your Revelation moment. They are trying to grow olives down in Pierce County. Now that's worth following up.

* Recess tomorrow night so no Lawmakers. And another chance for me to catch up. For now, that's a wrap!

Race of Fools - 2010

Leaving shortly for another round of this insanity.

To read the recap of last year's race, go here.

I'll be back next week with a full report.

Gonzo Lawmakers - Day 27

A daily recap of the Georgia Public Broadcasting show "Lawmakers". The show airs weekdays at 7:00pm with a replay at 5:30am the following weekday.

Day 27

* The budget is upon us. No, it can't be so. But it is, precious. Not listening, not listening.

* Still a week behind. The lonely trudge continues.

* Nwandi solo again.

* Teleprompter broke. Poor Nwandi. She's having to read the copy.

* Valarie at Hogwarts talking about the ban on texting bill. It passed the Senate. Sponsor Sen. Jack Murphy says it's all about keeping people from "texing" while driving. He's surrounded by young'uns and the parents of the young man who was killed when he was texting while driving. Teens would lose their license if caught.

* Teleprompter appears to be fixed.

* A Democrat got something passed! Sen. Emanuel Jones got the zero tolerance on weapons modified to have some common sense.

* A slow day on the House floor. The only hot spot was something about juvenille deliquents timed served. Mary Margaret Oliver (D-Think Of The Children) is the sponsor.

* Just saw the back of Tom Baxter's head and he's on twitter! HAH!

* Scowling house clerks! The streak continues!

* There was so little going on this day they are covering technical rules. Porter is speaking and there's some Rep. behind him talking on the cell phone and giggling. Speaker Murphy would have never put up with such nonsense.

* We can get license plates with Pandas on them. Why don't we just let everyone design their own and get it over with.

* Something about water and local control. Highly technical again. Honestly, I don't see how they are producing a whole broadcast with this mush.

* More water. The hillbillies want to limit basin transfers. They don't want the city folk to suck all the water from Hazzard County. More technical garbage. They are actually arguing over whether it was sent to the proper sub-committee. BORING.

* House Transportation Committee passed their version of the TSPLOST but put in the part the Guv said he would veto. Can you say poison pill? I knew you could.

* It's a transportation segment so we must see a shot of the Downtown Connector.

* They aren't going to get the transportation bill passed. AGAIN.

* And it's not going to include MARTA. So, Dekalb and Fulton are screwed meaning they probably want support it. Could they make this monster any uglier?

* The Repubs announced a tax overhaul commission. This gives Chip Rogers another chance to talk about our tax system being based on an "agrarian economy". He makes some good points about how overly complicated the beast is.

* Democrats are agin it of course and Casey is calling them on it

* Dubose is pointing out that the Republicans are putting everything off until after 2012 which just happens to be during the term of the next Governor.

* Sen. Judson Hill got another version of his healthcare nightmare passed.

* Tape Machine Monster strikes again! God bless 'em, they've got serious gremlins in this episode.

* PROJECT TOM CRAWFORD! Lord GAWD, the striped shirt is back! Must have come up in the rotation in the closet. Tom's entire look is so gray, he's blending into the background. He's becoming Cheshire Cat-like, slowly disappearing until we only see his grin.

* Lawmakers Flashback! Tom Murphy and Earl Erhart are going to go at it. Awesome. THE TAPE MACHINE AT THE FLASHBACK! ARGH!

* Nwandi is having to fill. This episode is a disaster.

* The Senate honored Lawmakers on their anniversary. The House did this last week. The tape machine is threatening to eat this one too. The Beast must be fed!

* Nwandi says maybe they need some budget increases to fix the tape machiines! HAH!

* Nwandi is stretcccccching her words. Fill Nwandi! Fill!

* Ricky Bevington and her BOOK OF DOOM! And Ricky misses her camera cue. It's completely off the rails now. The economy is so bad even the lottery is short of funding. Jenkins Co. has an unemployment rate of 22%. My lord. This is certainly the way to end this doomed episode.

* Nwandi and Ricky are doing some back and forth to fill more time. I hope the tape machine doesn't eat Georgia Outdoors. They might have to put up an old fashioned "Please Standy" slide.

* The trainwreck is finally over. Thank the lord, that's a wrap.

That Side Of The River

As a blogger, the news that Orly Taitz, the birther queen, has joined the legal fight to challenge this week's healthcare legislation causes me to rub my hands in glee. As a thinking human being, it strains my eye muscles as they roll uncontrollably.

I refer to one of my political priniciples as "the side of the river". It states, "no matter how much you fundamentally agree with an issue, sometimes you have to look around and see who's standing on your side of the river". There is nuance, however. Each side of the river always has resident kooks. One must determine when the number of kooks begins to override the comfort of ideological purity.

Even though I fundamentally oppose to the healthcare legislation (primarily due to the individual mandates), I think it's starting to clarify which shore of this political river is becoming the home of the wildest raving lunatics.

Gonzo Lawmakers - Day 26

A daily recap of the Georgia Public Broadcasting show "Lawmakers". The show airs weekdays at 7:00pm with a replay at 5:30am the following weekday.

Day 26

* We must talk of the budget. I fear it. We must. Not yet.

* A week behind still and I fear I may never catch up. There is no choice but to trudge on. My only companions - my ghostly readers and the vaporous images on the screen.

* Nwandi is solo again. Hope all is okay with Susan.

* The appointment bill to allow the Governor the power to select four currently elected officials passed Senate committee.

* And there's Keocia in the usual Valarie spot! Girlfriend is moving up in the world!

* Sen. Bill Heath has hair the color of tin foil. Or it could be the unforgiving lights of the sterile committee room. He makes the good point that most people couldn't even name the candidates for these positions. He also points out rightly that most states don't elect these positions. It is rather shocking when outsiders learn we elect administrative positions.

* Sen. Renee Unterman, straying from her usual child safety causes, points out the Guv is already pretty powerful and doubts this thing will get out of the Rules Committee.

* Sen. Cecil Staton (R-Land Of Middle Georgia Spas) wants to allow us to register to vote online. Very forward thinking but fraught with peril. Vincent Fort (D-Land of a Thousand Rants) objects. He believes it will dilute minority votes and says it's a solution in search of a problem. Passed on a party line vote. We're getting to the point where bills are going to be more contentious.

* Valarie back at Hogwarts!

* Scowling House Clerks! The Streak continues!

* More trying to find tax cheats. This time tightening up business licenses. And we get a rather strange shot of one of the signs full of Asian script which dot Buford Highway. I get the feeling the Lawmakers camera crew had a hankering for Korean Barbecue.

* Billions! Billions for state coffers! Yeah, right.

* Chyron says Massage Parlors! This should be exciting. Let's hope for a happy ending. Of course, Cecil Staton is the sponsor. I once dated a massage therapist. Happy endings until it ended.

* Back to Valarie. Business inventory tax bill. They've tried to kill this thing for years. The locals usually scream bloody murder. This is sausage making at its finest. They essentially want to allow counties to opt out.

* More sausage making and we get a machine gun style series of clips. Including one that weirdly showed legislators eating lunch. Bizarre segment.

* The Senate defeated a ridiculous measure to protect us from the Federal healthcare bill (which at this point had not passed). It was defeated because the Senate Democrats held fast and it failed to reach the required 2/3 majority. Political sausage making at its finest. They will reconsider this at some point. That's called a tease in the bidness

* Leadership Series. Senate Pro Tem Tommie Williams. Oh lord, he's going to talk about the budget. Can you say we ain't got no money? I knew you could. Tommie shouldn't wear pale suits with his complexion.

* We still aren't close on a transportation plan. This is going to go down as the biggest do-nothing legislature in history. It's got so bad, the Speaker himself came to plead before the Senate Transportation Committee.

* A slight pause to say the Lawmakers team does a helluva job covering so much garbage and regurgitating it in a fairly palatable fashion.

* They are trying to give the Speaker and the Lite Guv subpoena power to obtain legislator's tax records to enforce the new ethics laws. That's pretty wild and might be a fine example of the pavement on the road to hell.

* Lawmaker Flashback! The Dean of the Senate, George Hooks in 1995. It's an eminent domain bill. This was about a pipeline they wanted to run right down the gut of the state. We've reached the time where they are talking about bills I remember. Shot of a legislator writing an actual letter. Strangely anachronistic given all are now seen tapping away at laptops.

* Ricky Bevington and her BOOK OF DOOM! Macon's raising taxes. Obviously local council member Erick Erickson was too busy hobnobbing at CNN since he raised nary a peep. Columbus is trying to save its crime lab. Savannah's St. Patrick's Day parade happened today....then...you know what I mean.

* Tomorrow we get to play Project Tom Crawford! But for now, that's a wrap!

Gonzo Lawmakers - Day 25

A daily recap of the Georgia Public Broadcasting show "Lawmakers". The show airs weekdays at 7:00pm with a replay at 5:30am the following weekday.

Day 25

* We must speak of the budget, love. I can't utter a breath. We must, love.

* Day 25 and I'm a week behind again. The session has become my own Sisyphus stone. We - the Legislature, Nwandi, Susan, Valarie, the kids - are all stuck in a limbo of debt and doom. The only way out is to move forward.

* Nwandi is by herself. That's going to be quite a chore.

* Chief Justice Carol Hunstein's first State of The Judiciary. Lord, I'm behind. I've already heard the highlights of the speech and it is full of doom. Tales of judges not working and great mobs of predators flying out of the system.

* When she mentioned the budget, Lt. Guv. Cagle looked like she took a gavel to his forehead.

* Valarie is at Hogwarts with reaction to the speech. The Chief is talking about Mitch Seabaugh's proposal to reduce judges. Sen. Preston Smith, chair of the Judiciary Committee, says there are many solutions but doesn't say which one will work. Rep. Wendell Willard, the House Judiciary Chair, doesn't see cutting judges. This means the thing is doomed.

* Lawmakers is getting pre-empted tomorrow night by some Georgia Tech geekfest. Fortunately, the magic DVR saves our recaps.

* Oh lord. It's the hippie UGA students with the protest of the day. Lots of tie-dye. Shocking. And there's Trevor Southerland of the UGA Democrats. Met him. Nice guy. Practically a communist.

* And now Dubose Porter. With Stephanie Benefield. And Vincent Fort. It's the usual lineup of liberal lions.

* Valarie is doing double duty. She's covering Sen. Chip Rogers weekly press conferences. Bonus points for using the word scofflaws. Suddenly, we're very interested in busting tax cheats. You can see the haze of desperation drifting across the screen.

* Plug for Delta. Because we're going to talk about transportation. Apparently, the only thing they will get done is shortening the terms of the DOT board.

* Road racing! The Senate passed the bill to allow racing on city streets. Bring on the Winder Grand Prix! Given my near future activities, I have a heightened interest in these issues. Stay tuned this weekend for my annual report on something that legally I can't really mention.

* Valarie again! She's like a remote anchor. The House voted down some alimony bill. They are talking about how to deal with the same people marrying multiple times. Which reminds me of this funny story.

* Earnest Dan Weber wants to pass something that will bring more federal dollars to the schools. He's so earnest.

* We need to make sure buses that carry kids have insurance. Yes, it wasn't in there already.

* Back to Valarie again. She must have had a helluva time putting all these on locations spots together.

* Scowling House Clerks! The streak continues! I was getting worried. This is the latest spotting yet.

* More screaming about tax cheaters.

* The Hustler bill. The dirty mag wants to get pictures of that poor hiker girl. We currently don't have a law preventing this type of ugliness. Rep. Jill Chambers is going to explain the bill and Nwandi warns it could be graphic.

* I knew we would hear the word purient. The graphicness was the word "genitals". Well, this is the Bert & Ernie network, so what did you expect?

* Jeff Mullis wants a blue alert to notify people that a cop killer is on the loose. Not a bad idea. But seriously. Aren't we going to start running out of colors?

* Uh oh. Some tax bill to extend the Dekalb Homestead exemption caused some consternation amongst my county delegation. The Chair of the delegation is nicknamed "Coach". Always great nicknames in the House. He wants to delay the bill to talk some more. Scowly Red looks like she's shooting lazer beams from her eyes. How dare they threaten to upset the carefully laid schedule of the Scowly House Clerks!

* Senate Committee passed shortening the terms of the DOT Board. They can't disagree on a transportation plan, but they've got plenty of time to gig they're old adversary.

* Expanded coverage of The Chief's State of the Judiciary speech. Bathroom break!

* Lawmakers flashback! We're going to talk about the '96 budget. There's "Skin" Edge. The old Republican leader. Whatever happened to him? He wasn't caught up in that Dafusky Island awfulness, was he? They are arguing over the amount of prison beds. Not the best flashback but we do get to see ol' anchor Gerald Bryant. He was a good 'un.

* Rep. Michael Harden wants to drug test people applying for Unemployment Insurance. There is so much wrong with this insanity, I can't cover it all here. Since I have some expertise in this area, I may write about it at length. When asked about possible Constitutional issues, Rep. Stumpjumper replies judges make bad rulings all the time. The clarity of his reasoning is stunning.

* Ricky Bevington and her BOOK OF DOOM! Tiger will play at The Masters and there is much rejoicing at the Washington Road Hooters! Lamar Advertising, the billboard people, won't accept
"spas" as customers any more. Lookee there, legislators! The free market at work!

* Leadership series tomorrow with Tommie Williams. But for now, that's a wrap!

Life In The 4th

Living in the 4th Congressional District, voting in the Republican primary is about as useful as shoeing a goat. Having voted in the Democratic primary for the past 20 years, I take quite a bit of ribbing from Democrats about my declared independent status. My usual response is since Elaine Boyer is the only Dekalb Republican ever seriously challenged, I'm pretty sure she's got it covered without me.

All changes in July.

For the first time since I've been a resident of Georgia's third largest county, the Republican primary is far more interesting. More importantly, all the Democrats are in relatively safe seats or are heading to a foregone conclusion.

For these reasons, I will pull the Elephant's ticket this summer.

And I've narrowed my choices on candidate for Governor down to two. I'll leave you to speculate which they are.

The Witches Hammer's New Gig

Despite my salty nature, I purposely make my writing PG-13.

Erick, the evangelical Christian who frequently questions the Christianity of those he disagrees with politically, calls a sitting Supreme Court Justice a "goat f*cking child molester" and gets a gig on CNN.

I think it may be time to talk about the history of Tortillas and why the owner shuttered the place.