FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE. ALL MEDIA OUTLETS. FIVE BELLS!
As one half of the unofficial/official ITP redneck duo known at times as Carp Circles, I feel the need to issue a statement regarding a certain beast known to have taken residence in the 'Hooch.
As CEO/Head Cheese/Grand Poobah of Griftdrift Enterprises and COO/Web Monkey/Taxi Operator of Carp Circles Inc, I wish to issue the firmest non-denail/denial possible regarding a certain feral swamp lizard which is now inhabiting our beloved Chattahoochee River.
We ain't did it!
Despite our prediliction to float down said river, occasionally do things stupid, associate with fanciful creatures and generally display our need to show off, it is a well known fact I am a member of a tribe of vicious gator killers.
Given our well known need to brag, it is obvious our lateness to this hoo-haa displays none of the usual signs of redneck high and mightyness.
Despite our claim of having no knowledge of the origin of this animal, we would like to show ourselves good citizens of this fair city. Due to our expert handling of drink and high powered rifles, we offer ourselves for whatever duty Mayor Franklin may require. We will even provide the necessary firearms, rafts and coolers.
No matter who is responsible for this menace, and once again we ain't saying we is, it must be eliminated toot sweet! Clean up the 'Hooch so city 'necks can get back on the hooch!
For further information please contact firstname.lastname@example.org
Photo courtesy of WSB-TV