After getting caught up the Fontana Race, I've decided to not attend an Oscar party and instead relax on my couch with a personal beverage (apologies Lazermike, hope you guys have a good time).
If something really weird happens, I might throw in a few updates. Aw hell, it's Hollywood. Something weird is bound to happen.
UPDATE I: Peter O'Toole, God love him, looks more embalmed than Anna Nicole Smith.
UPDATE II: 8:42. First Al Gore joke.
UPDATE III: After 9:00 and still no major awards. FOR GOD'S SAKE GET ON WITH IT!
UPDATE IV: They have a choir performing sound effects to clips of movies. This is the most bizarre thing ever. Thank God I have beer.
UPDATE V: 9:23 and finally a major award! Best Supporting Actor is Alan Arkin. No big surprise there. First award for Little Miss Sunshine. Could it be a semi-sweep?
UPDATE VI: First a choir doing sound effects and now an interpretive dance troop doing their versions of nominated films? I may need something stronger than beer.
UPDATE VII: Gore is presenting. He's just there "for the movies". The Oscars have gone green whatever the hell that means. Hybrid limos? Good lord, Kate Winslet is crying! CRYING! What the hell is that all about? They must be passing out hallucinagens in the gift baskets. Hahahahahaha. Gore was pretending to announce and the orchestra played him off like he had run out of time. That was pretty funny. But the whole thing was so weird.
UPDATE VIII: The winner for Best Adapted Screenplay, The Departed, is high as an effin kite. What we really need now is a good drunk rambling moment. And when are they going to do march of the dead people? Dammit, that's the best part!
UPDATE IX: YAY! Tom Cruise! Now we're getting to the looney!
UPDATE X: Whoa. Catherine Deneuve? Still hot. Okay, so they roll out the people with the accents to do Best Foreign Language Film. And of course they then pan to Sasha 'Borat" Cohen. Because as we all know English is a foreign language. I think the directors and producers may also be high. This show would be really lame without the aid of chemicals. If they don't move this along Peter O'Toole may actually be included in the March of the Dead People.
UPDATE XI: Whoa. Pan's Labyrinth didn't win Best Foreign Language. That's a big upset. Instead it's some German film that was directed by a guy who sounds like he's from Iowa. The only thing that could make this whole thing weirder is for blood to start shooting from Ellen Degeneres' eyes.
UPDATE XII: 10:34. Another Al Gore joke. Delivered by George Clooney. Liberals just wet themselves. Best Supporting Actress coming up. And it's Jennifer Hudson. Simon Cowell just wet himself.
UPDATE XIII: Here we go! Best Documentary! And it's the slide show movie! And Sean Hannity rushes the stage with a fire extinguisher! Well no that didn't happen but it would have been cool. Gore hugged the director but there was no tongue. Tipper must have set some ground rules.
UPDATE XIV: Celine Dion! GAH! But seriously, I'm a movie score nerd and it's good to see Ennio Morricone receive recognition. Should have happened years ago. The Good, The Bad And The Ugly may be the most recognized theme in history. This acceptance speech needs subtitles. He's probably telling them all to kiss his ass for not giving him a gold baby all the times he deserved it. Now Clint Eastwood is pretending to translate. Wait, maybe he is translating! No. In my addled mind I am going to believe Clint is just making crap up. More fun that way.
UPDATE XV. Lord have mercy Beyonce can sing. Almost 11:30 and still no march of the dead people. They haven't shown Peter O'Toole in a while. Not a good sign.
UPDATE XVI: Looking into the iconic eyes of Tom Hanks I want to now publicly admit I was wrong. Saving Private Ryan should have beat Shakespeare In Love. Still no dead people. Still no Peter O'Toole. I'm seriously concerned.
UDDATE XVII: YAY! March of the dead people! It's going to be a long list. We lost some great ones this year. OH MY GOD! I didn't know Basil Poledouris died! During the commercials I'm going to listen to the soundtrack from Lonesome Dove. I know it's television but it's one of the best ever.
UPDATE XVIII: Peter O'Toole sighting! Thank God! Although he looks so stiff he may have died and no one noticed. And he doesn't win. Again. I know he wasn't supposed to but I still feel it's a shame. And now we get another ragged acceptance speech from Forest Whitaker.
UPDATE XIX: Scorsese wins! Yay! I really wish he would just tell them all to kiss his ass. But he's too nice. And why is Jack Nicholson still backstage? They keep showing him backstage. In sunglasses. I bet during the commercials he's snorting coke of the asses of starlets.
UPDATE XX: And it's over! Thank the baby Jesus! I didn't really intend to live blog the whole damn thing but since I did, I should thank a few people. I would like to thank my agent, my attorney, my ex-wives, my dealer and all the wonderful people at Budweiser with whom this blog would not be possible. Oh. The Departed won for Best Picture. And I'm just kidding about the ex-wives and the dealer. But not about the Bud. Good night and thanks for all the fish!