Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Best Of The Drifts - Valentines Day 2007

Originally Published February 14, 2007

Happy Valentines Day, Screw You

You stepped on my ass
You're breaking my glasses too
You won't drive my car, might be a star
I've had enough of you
There no one to blame, so f*ck you

Be my Valentine, Rep. Steve Davis. It warms the cockles of my heart to know there are still people in the world who believe the only image of family is Leave It To Beaver. Love obviously runs deep in your household and neighborhood where the "wifes" handle the chilluns, the gays keep their love that shall not be named in the closet and poor people are limited to cheery hobos who ride the rails and dream of the big rock candy mountain. Be my Valentine Rep. Davis, screw you.

Be my Valentine, John McCain. Now not only do you vaguely look like a Pander bear but you actually act like one. Your love holds no bounds as your give a big ol' expedient bear hug to religious nuts like Jerry Falwell and Jonathan Wells. My blood warms at the sight of brave politicians who will blatantly take the easy road to power. In an age of cowardly leaders chasing publicity whoredom by going against the grain, you are the epitome of the Hemingway hero, quietly showing true leadership by demonstrating good ol' fashioned pandering as the new radical. Be my Valentine Sen. McCain, screw you.

Be my Valentine, Glenn Reynolds. When I first read the Libertarian Party platform regarding war back in 1992, I was puzzled by its stance of defensive war only. My heart remained cold for over a decade until you and other "libertarians" explained it's a new world and we didn't really mean all that about defensive war. Pre-emptive war is the new libertarianism! Many called you stealth Republicans but you remained strong in your conviction to support President Bush even as the Iraq venture spiraled into doom. And when people accused you of being Republican shills, you quickly responded nuh-uh, I'm a libertarian! It makes me think of Valentine's Day back in elementary school when little boys were asked if they liked certain girls and they responded, nuh-uh, girls are icky! Be my Valentine Glen Reynolds, screw you.

Be my Valentine, Jim Wooten. Your proclivity to pass along rumors and straight out lies shows you are truly one of the libertine "new media" lotharios. You understand that fact checking, editorial filters and any possible validity of dissent are as stale as a 20 year old "Be Mine" candy heart. The love practically spews forth daily as you call out the unpatriotic, the anti-capitalist and all those dirty, smelly hippies who dare associate themselves with the Democratic Party. With so much affection pouring out of the Thinking Right column, it's surprising the AJC even needs Dear Abby! Be my Valentine Jim, screw you.

Be my Valentine, Christopher Horner. I was impressed with your appearance last night on The Daily Show. I was astounded at the quality of your jacket. I wonder if you have to shop at a special store to find pockets so big they can hold all that Exxon money. Your denial of global warming was not enough to cool the heat in my heart for your glib stories of attacking icebergs and thieving socialists. Since you are a lawyer, I immediately call to mind creationist Phillip Johnson who is also a lawyer that plays a scientist on tv. Then again, your sly manner and coy glances mostly reminded my of nutjob Kent Hovind. Be my Valentine Chris, screw you.

More Valentines to come as the love fills my heart. Feel free to add your own in the comments.

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